When the flame goes out: healing a sexless marriage

marriageThe sparkle goes out of perfectly normal marriage every once in a while. It is unusual however to have continued months, or even years of celibacy in marriage. Conjugal relations can become ‘dead’ and unstimulating, becoming just another chore on a long to-do list.

Either way, it is frustrating and can really have one or both partners feeling unfulfilled or unwanted. How does a couple that couldn’t keep their hands off each other turn into ‘that’ couple? Well, focusing on an endless hierarchy of needs can cause a couple to get caught in the rat race. Career demands can interrupt a couple’s time destroying romantic intentions. Caring for children and elderly parents can also take their toll on the marriage. All that responsibility placed on a couple can cause them to feel overwhelmed and responsible for their comfort and happiness. Constant disagreements, bickering and not really listening to your partner can also drive a wedge between a couple that is reflected in the bedroom. All is not lost. There are a few things a couple can try to get things back on track in their sex life.

  • Physicality.

Go for a full body check-up. Make sure there is nothing wrong with either of you. Discuss the effects any medications and contraceptive methods may be playing into the situation. Confront any issues like vaginal dryness, premature ejaculation etc that inhibit your intimate time together. Get to the bottom of them and look for solutions with a qualified medic.

  • Keep fit

Maintain your fitness. A regular exercise regimen reduces stress, increases feel-good endorphins and makes you feel more alive. It might also make a couple look and feel more attractive besides, the more admiring looks a couple gets, the more desirable and passionate they feel!

  • Communicate sexually

Get a discussion going about what turns you on. There is a whole buffet of unexplored sexual territory that you may have overlooked. Find out how your partner’s needs have evolved and stay interested. It might be much easier to share erotic fantasies on an impersonal medium on email or private chat rooms. The idea is to find points of convergence, experimentation and no-go zones in a gentle non-judgmental way.

  • Flirt and tease

Married couples often assume marriage means consent, and so don’t bother seducing their beloved. They either ask for sex as if it were a business transaction or wait until they are propositioned. Make the most of small opportunities to make romantic gestures and always leave them wanting a little bit more. Cook your beloved breakfast in bed and surprise them with a stimulating massage.

  • Clear up any resentments

If there are any deep seated issues in the marriage, try resolve them as soon as you can. Don’t let things fester. They will eventually turn up in the bedroom. Matters of infidelity, in-laws and finances can cause strain on a relationship. Consider hiring outside help from a qualified psychologist, sex or relationship therapist to get to the bottom of deep seated issues. Your sex life will be hotter for it!

  • Be adventurous

Try some of the things on each other’s ‘maybe’ sex lists. It could surprise you to find that you enjoy them! It will be a great turn on to them and a romantic expression of love that can only fan the flames of love. The idea is to be playful, creative, sly demanding etc. Just let go and enjoy the freedom of being your lover’s chosen one.

  • Make sex a priority

There is no getting around it. Couples with a healthy intimate life make time for it. It doesn’t happen by accident. It is deliberate and requires a lot of dedication. Sometimes it is deciding to learn different techniques, sometimes it means forfeiting certain acts that feel unpleasant to your beloved. Whatever the case, take the time to learn more and more about each other’s bodies and erotic desires.

  • Find your passion

The fuel that causes great adventures between the sheets also creates excitement in many other areas of life. So if there is a lack of passion in a marriage, chances are there are other areas in life that need to be reignited. Find things that stimulate you and return that spring in your step. Take up mountain climbing, repair vintage cars, start a business, start a homeless shelter etc. You’ll know you’re on the right track when you can laugh at a silly joke for minutes on end.

Sexless seasons come and go, but they do not have to be permanent. Get out of that rut by trying one of these tips. Your spouse will become your lover once more.

When the flame goes out: healing a sexless marriage

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